the first morning of the rest of my lifee

Today Is December 27, 2008. Today I am engaged. Today I am 17, and In a few days It's going to be another year. Another year where I did everything and felt none of it. My boyfriend, or better yet My fiancee. Is a Turkish immigrant here to get his masters in teaching. His plan was simple come here, go home. Ever since I stepped into the picture 3 months ago, he seems to talk less about going home.

My name is Taylor Leigh Cameron. My birthday is October 23, I like to watch the stars and sing my favorite color is purple. I get anxiety when Im alone. I hate people who remind me of myself. Don't think Im all doom and gloom tho. Im just a contradiction waiting to explode. Im not eactly sure what to say now. I guess I'll just talk about today, no body really cares about yesterday anyways.


I woke up to my mom tripping over the mountain ranges of crap in my room. The clock said It was 2:30. didn't feel like 2:30. She was looking for a safe place to stash my cell phone charger. My mom wasn't always a good mom but she tries. she takes care of me now. Im just not the best daughter, I never was. I wish I could find away to admit it to her but I probably never will. Im to proud, and soar from the past. I rolled over and proceeded to ignore her, trying not to move to fast so I wouldn't catch her eye. to late. She came to my bedside hopping over the endless sea of nothing on my floor. asking about the comotion that had happend last night. Apparently sally (a.k.a.my "best" friend) had showed up on my doorstep seeking shelter from the wrath of her boyfrand and her sexual obsession with the male half of the speicies. Usually I would bend over backwards to make her feel better but that night was differen't. that was the night he asked me to be his wife. He drove me to our spot, where IT all beagn, the night he was just sopposed to drive me home from work. In to the darkness of that night under the stars. we changed our fates, and we kissed as strangers, both looking for something. I dont think the whole marriage thing has sunk in just yet. anyways back to this morning.

I finally strolled out of bed checked my phone, I had like 30 unread txts. nothing important. I text my love. no response. check the interweb. no sign of the living. I still hadn't told anyone about it.

I never thought of myself as the marrage type. Im the type of girl who stays out till 5 am still drinking and smoking. till I pass out in my neighbors yard or in another state or even better the trunk of soemones car.(long story, very very long story)

Tomorrow, Is the day. I shouldn't do it. I know I shouldn't. Im not stopping myself tho. Im curious. what is it like to love someone? to run away and get married. I was raised not to feel Im not sure how to say it but in my family it was unspoken but It was known that to cry is to be weak. to smile Is to be weak. to want is weak. When I was younger I didn't realise I lived with a stoic group of strangers It was perfectly normal to me. I liked it. now, Im not so sure about that. Its confusing and scary. I probably wotn get any sleep tonight.

pheobe just called, guess Im getting drunk tonight. god bless her.

I probably wont log in for weeks. and before I get the chance I'll probably forget.
soo bye